We Choo-Choo-Choose The Best Ralph Wiggum Moments

Ralph Wiggum (Nancy Cartwright). In virtually any other town or city, he would be lucky to pass preschool, but in Springfield, deep in the heart… or east coast… maybe west coast… of the USA, Ralph sits in Miss Hoover’s (Maggie Roswell) second-grade classroom. simpsons has seen its share of odd, quirky, secondary characters over many years, but Ralph stands out from the pack. He can be very sweet and loving. He can be incredibly daft. In the same sentence, Ralph can make a highly educated statement followed by a nonsensical tangent. He’s liked well enough around the schoolyard, but his erratic behavior tends to keep most peers at a distance.

It’s these random character traits of Ralph’s that elicit so many memorable quotes. You just don’t know what you’re going to get whenever Ralph comes on screen, which an engaging asset for a show that’s been on the air for 33 Seasons. Listed here are a handful of the most impressive (unpressive?):

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1. “Me, fail English? That’s not possible.” (Season 6, Episode 8)


That's Unpossible

Remove possibly the best of the best. It is so simplistic, but has lived on in hundreds of memes, a gentle mockery of those who have failed the Queen’s English.

2. “Lies are like stars, they always come out. I have five face holes.” (Season 30, Episode 12)


The-Simpsons-Ralph-Wiggum-quote

A great example of how Ralph can go from insightful to flat out eccentric in one quote. If you stop at the first sentence, how deep and profound is that? Then you add the second sentence in. Sure, it’s accurate, but what would prompt it coming up in the first place?

3. “Hi Lisa! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers, I’m learning.” (Season 10, Episode 7)


I'm learning.

You can hear how Ralph got from superintendent to Super Nintendo — it’s not a big stretch — but guaranteed that Super nintendo is how you will say it for the rest of time.

4. “I wet my arm pants.” (Season 22, Episode 15)


I wet my arm pants

We’ll just… sleeve… this one here.

5. “If Mommy’s purse didn’t belong in the microwave, why did it fit?” (Season 26, Episode 22)


If Mom's purse doesn't belong in the microwave

There’s an eerie logic to this rather astute observation. Hide the cat — it fits too.

6. “Dear Miss Hoover, you have Lyme disease. We miss you. Kevin is biting me. Come back soon. Here’s a drawing of a spirochete. Love, Ralph.” (Season 2, Episode 19)


Dear Miss Hoover

Perhaps the most caring and relatively normal quote on the list, and I’m sure Miss Hoover enjoyed the drawing of the bacteria behind her Lyme disease.

7. “I’m Idaho!” (Season 5, Episode 10)


I'm Idaho

He’s just so proud of his homemade costume, a piece of paper with Idaho written on it, and taped to his shirt. Bonus points awarded for his correct spelling of Idaho, versus Homer’s (Dan Castellaneta) attempt at a costume for Lisa (Yardley Smith): the infamous atrocity with florida (sic) spelled out phonetically.

8. “I cheated wrong. I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers.” (Season 21, Episode 15)

The odds are pretty good that even if Ralph somehow cheated right, he would still be caught.

9. “I’m a furniture!” (Season 21, Episode 20)

Yes, Ralph, you most certainly are a broad descriptive term for a large group of objects. Never let them say you can’t be.

10. “The doctor said I wouldn’t have so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there.” (Season 4, Episode 15)


Nose bleeds (2)

It certainly makes sense. I’m not so sure Ralph would have made the connection without the doctor’s help, but he got there. Didn’t stop him from doing it, but he got there.

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11. “My cat’s breath smells like cat food.” (Season 6, Episode 2)


cats-breath-simpsons

One of the great things about Ralph is how he speaks truth about the most random things. Everything about this sentence is correct, yet such a highly random factoid forces you to stop and think. Now, be honest — how many readers here grabbed their cat to smell their breath, just to see how accurate Ralphie is? Hey, no judgement.

12. “Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.” (Season 4, Episode 15)


Glued my head to my shoulder

There are two things about this quote that make it epic. First, the unusual circumstances that would even allow this act to happen. Secondly, elementary school glue is hardly in the same vein as Krazy or Gorilla Glue. Therefore, not only did a surreal set of events occur that led to Ralph’s head getting stuck on his shoulder, but the molecular components of the glue itself mutated into an unbreakable adhesive. Amazing.


13. “When I grow up, I wanna be a principal or a caterpillar.”(Season 9, Episode 2)

The noble pursuit next to the unachievable goal. Not sure if Yale even has a degree in caterpillar.

14. “Martin Luther King had a dream. Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story had a party, and I was invited. Yay! My turn is over!” (Season 21, Episode 13)

While it is entirely possible that MLK had the same dream as Ralph, it seems unlikely.

15. “I bent my Wookiee.” (Season 6, Episode 2)


I bent my wookie

And to think it’s not even a euphemism. That sound you hear? The broken hearts of thousands of Star Wars fanboys, seeing a Chewbacca figure, in its original packaging, die.

16. “You Choo-Choo-Choose me?” (Season 4, Episode 15)


choo-choo-choose you

Greatest. Valentine. Ever.

17. “Your eyes need diapers.” (Season 15, Episode 16)

This is a sweet, empathetic observation from Ralph. Whether there’s enough tears to warrant the excessive solution Ralph proposes is a different story. But it depends.

18. “My Grandma had hair like that when she went to sleep in her forever box.” (Season 22, Episode 13)

What a wonderful memory, yet also very telling of how sheltered Ralph is from reality. Does he know about death, or do people just go to sleep? Ponder, and then kick off a #foreverboxnotcoffin campaign.

19. “This is my swing set. This is my sandbox. I’m not allowed to go in the deep end.” (Season 9, Episode 18)


This is my sandbox

Seems a rather extreme boundary, until you realize this is the same kid that glued his ear to his shoulder. Safety first, always.

20. “Was President Lincoln okay?” (Season 7, Episode 25)


was President Lincoln OK

Probably a little bummed that he missed the end of the play, but otherwise pretty sure he was all right.


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