One of my friends recently hit me up to join his fantasy baseball league. It happens every football and baseball season, and I always politely refuse.
I have a couple of reasons.
My friends love me, but they love my money even more. Their leagues cost money to join, and they know an easy target when they see one — especially after watching my March Madness basketball bracket become useless within minutes after the tournament begins each year.
Mostly though, I refuse to play fantasy football or fantasy baseball because my idea of “fantasy” differs greatly from that of my friends.
A few years back, I offered up a list of rules that might convince me to play fantasy football. With the start of the 2022 Major League Baseball season upon us, here are the rules that would need to be enforced for me to partake in fantasy baseball:
In my fantasy baseball league, just like in my football league, team owners can choose current or former players.
I want Yogi Berra as my catcher, Longview’s Chris Davis at first base (the 2013 version that hit 53 home runs and drove in 138 runs), Jackie Robinson at second, Ozzie Smith at shortstop, Chipper Jones at third and Henry Aaron, Willie Mays and Dale Murphy in the outfield.
My starting pitchers would include right-handers Nolan Ryan and Greg Maddux and lefties Randy Johnson, Warren Spahn, Sandy Koufax and Babe Ruth. John Smoltz is my closer.
Ted Williams is my designated hitter when Ryan, Maddux, Johnson, Spahn and Koufax pitch. Mr. Ruth gets to hit for himself.
All games in my league will start at noon, which will allow plenty of time for sportswriters covering the games to hit their newspaper deadlines even if games run long.
Anyone who complains about the slow pace of the game will be escorted from the stadium by a large, hairy man with the IQ of a brick and biceps bigger than Barry Bonds’ head.
If you’ve got something better to do than watch baseball, do it. On the rare chance I get to sit and watch a game I’m not covering for my newspaper, I want that game to last as long as possible. If it goes into extra innings, praise the Lord and pass the popcorn.
All games will be played in stadiums with real grass and no roofs, and those stadiums will be named after people who impacted the game on and off the field. If half of the venues are called Jackie Robinson Field and the other half Henry Aaron Stadium, I’m OK with that.
Dolly Parton will sing the National Anthem live at as many games as possible, and a taped version of her singing the anthem will be played at games she cannot attend.
I’ve never actually heard Dolly sing the National Anthem. Ella she’s as country as cornbread and it might sound like an episode of “Hee Haw” is being filmed, but Dolly is a national treasure and this is my league. Deal with it.
Ticket prices in my league will be so cheap a dad who works 14-hour days just to make ends meet can still take his kids to at least five games each season. To make it easier on dad, every kid under the age of 12 will be admitted free if they show up with a glove.
All foul balls and home run balls must be immediately handed over to someone younger than 12, and that kid can either keep the ball or trade it for a free soft drink and hot dog at the nearest concession stand.
After each game, all kids (young and old) will be allowed on the field for one hour to run the bases and visit with their favorite player.
Even after spending an hour with a rich and famous baseball player, those kids will still think their dad is the best man on the planet.